


A Punk, A Time Lord, And A Bassoonist Walk Into A Blue Box

by LaurytheLatrator



Category: The Mighty Boosh RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Doctor Who Fusion, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 19:00:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4403501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaurytheLatrator/pseuds/LaurytheLatrator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Julian is a struggling jazz musician in 21st Century London. He's just been kicked out of his flat and forced to stoop to, ahem, <i>backup guitar playing</i>. His life couldn't possibly get worse.</p><p>And that's when he meets a bespectacled, wild afro-haired man who goes only by 'The Doctor' and his companion Noel, who ought to be too cool and effervescent to pay any attention to a scruffy hobo like Julian.</p><p>(Or...</p><p>The Doctor Who reboot everyone's been asking for, this time starring Richard Ayoade as the Doctor, Noel Fielding as his companion from the 29th Century, and Julian Barratt as the hapless human who gets swept up in it all.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Punk, A Time Lord, And A Bassoonist Walk Into A Blue Box

**Author's Note:**

> Before we begin, have some meta:
> 
> I've seen a lot of ideas for Boosh inspired DW AUs, many of which coming from Noel and Julian themselves. But I thought neither Noel and Julian could be the Doctor or the sole companion, because simply nothing would get done and they'd probably muck things up in the first five minutes. They need a proper adult, which is where Richard Ayoade comes in. The dynamic feels a lot like Nine and Rose and Captain Jack, with two of the three always to the side giggling or messing up and the other fixing everything with a fond eyeroll.
> 
> Noel and Julian are their own characters. I could've given them names, but like Noel said once in an interview, I'd just revert back to their real ones anyway, so why bother? This exists sideways of DW Canon, fusing during the 2005 Series 1 of the reboot, but the Doctor is the Doctor, always, just with a different face and personality. You know... like in Doctor Who.
> 
> And I want to thank [mylifeiscomics](http://mylifeiscomics.tumblr.com/post/124800234552/oh-yes-i-made-a-thing-for-laurythelatrator-i) for illustrating a scene from this fic. It's so amazing to me how fandom just gives and gives out of love for each other.

* * *

 

Julian wasn’t much of a musician. Julian wasn’t much of anything, really. At least that’s what his flatmate told him.

“Look, I’m really sorry,” Lee said, sounding far from it, “But this is the fourth month you’ve stiffed your side of the rent, and I can’t keep covering for you. Either come back when you’ve got a real job, or find some other place to live.”

The door shutting firmly in his face had Julian teetering on the front step, weighed down by the bags Lee had piled into his arms. Such a good mate, that Lee, to go through the effort of packing for him. Julian looked down at his battered bassoon case and sighed.

Hard work to drag all his worldly belongings to the coffee shop round the corner, but he managed, earning some peeved looks from the staff and customers once he’d set it all down on their floor.

“Have you got one of those, um,” Julian floundered to the barista, “You know, cork boards, where people post listings, and, er…” A silent point of her finger. “Ta.”

In between the brightly colored papers advertising piano lessons, gigs for bands he’d heard and despised of already, lost pets, found pets, and a polite reminder of proper refuse protocol, there was a simple ad on white paper already missing several torn off numbers.

**AFFORABLE HOUSING**

**EXTENDED STAY LODGING**

**NO PETS, NO INFANTS, NO LOUDNESS**

**SIGNED, AXL. CO**

There was a photo of a very basic block. The area looked a bit dodgy, but it did seem like the only option for an immediate turn around. As dejected as he felt, even Julian could see how lucky he was to stumble on this.

After a phone call with a brusque woman from Axl Co, he was cleared to see an available flat. Julian piled his bags onto his back, cradling the bassoon case, and set off on the tube. 

Yes, he thought once he was looking up at the building, he’d been right about it being dodgy. From her willingness to let him move in and pay in cash tomorrow, Julian reckoned it wasn’t all up and up. Oh well, he could squat for a little while he looked for something more sustainable. Then again, Julian couldn’t give up the music to go straight. He’d just have to line up more gigs, take some coffee shop deals he’d been avoiding, beg his mate Rich to put him on the bill for tonight. How ‘sustainable’ could a floundering jazz musician in an EDM obsessed town find?

He’d been silently waffling back and forth about going in for a solid 20 minutes when a trendy looking young man stumbled out the front door. Julian discretely swept his gaze over the man’s bowler hat and green leather overcoat all the way down to his silver high heeled boots. An eccentric character, that man was, and not unpleasant to look at, Julian decided.

The man spotted him standing by the steps and smiled, blindingly, effortlessly charming, and Julian felt the inane urge to shy away, as if undeserving of his attention. “Alright?” The man greeted him. Julian nodded, glancing at his belongings piled up. He must appear homeless. It wasn’t the wrong assumption. Still, some amount of pride had him wanting to strike up a conversation, if only to prove he wasn’t a raving lunatic out on the streets.

“Do you stay here?” Julian asked. The man got a puzzled expression and turned to look behind him at the entrance.

“Oh!” He said with a short laugh. “No, but that would make more sense wouldn’t it?” He looked back at Julian, bouncing a little on his heels in an earnest sort of way. “You moving in?”

“Yeah, just for a bit.” Julian shrugged, keeping it cool.

“How’d you hear about it?” The man asked, and Julian was distracted by the way he cocked his hips when he put his thumbs in his belt loops.

“Er… just a flyer.”

“By Axl Corp, yeah?” The man tossed his shaggy fringe.

“Axl Co.” Julian corrected, blinking out of his daze. “I better go in, actually.”

“Right, right.” The man said, but he seemed worried now, and as Julian watched, rapt, he lifted his thumb to his mouth and bit the nail. As innocent an action as it was, it felt obscene.

“Well,” Julian coughed, hot under the collar, “It was nice meeting you—“

“Noel.”

“Noel. I’m Julian, er, if you were wondering.”

“Cool. Listen, Julian.” Noel stepped closer with an urgency that felt out of place on him. “You seem like a nice bloke. Look after yourself, alright?” Then he was walking away before Julian could figure out what he was saying. Once he did, Julian ruffled pointlessly in offense. He may have been kicked out of his flat, and he may not have a steady job, but he didn’t need the condescension of trendy Camden types.

With righteous indignation burning in his blood, Julian hurriedly grabbed his possessions and went inside. The rest happened in a whirlwind of monotony of signing papers and receiving his keys and a short tour by a disinterested young man of the common areas. When he finally reached his designated flat, Julian was about ready to bolt out the window.

“Yeah, so dat’s ‘bout it.” The young man said, and Julian’s sure he would’ve popped his chewing gum if he’d had any. “Respect da noise policy, dat’s numba one concern. Oh, an’ don’t go in da basement, dat’s still being fumigated or sommat.”

“Got it, thanks.” Julian didn’t smile, and retreated into his new flat with relief.

It was small. It was only one room. The kitchen area, designated by tiled floors and a droning refrigerator, was about four feet from his twin size bed. Besides those landmarks there was what appeared to be a dresser/night table combo and a table with seating for one.

Lee had to take him back. He needed money. Otherwise he was going to kill himself.

“Gee, I don’t know.” The American hedged through the phone.

“C’mon put me anywhere.” Julian beseeched his friend. Rich ran a showcase for new talent. The pay was minimal, but the exposure wasn’t nothing. “I can play anything you want, I’m a multi-instrumentalist, you know that.”

“Okay, Julie Ju-Ju, but only because I like you.” Rich said in sing-song. “You’ll be back up electric guitar, how’s that?”

“That’s fine.” Julian sighed. It wasn’t jazz, but he could manage.

“Neato! Come by this afternoon, I’ll set you up with the music and have you meet the performer.”

They made arrangements and said their goodbyes, Julian with a slightly heavy heart. He’d promised himself a while back that, out of all the things in his life, he wouldn’t compromise on his music. And here he was, playing someone else’s gig. Back up electric guitar. Christ.

He had enough time to unpack, though he doubted he’d get comfortable in the tiny flat. It came to his attention once he opened the first bag that he should probably do his laundry. There was, he found, no bag of clothes that didn’t smell rank. The books, CDs, and miscellaneous memories he left propped in one corner. The bassoon case he placed on the bed, feeling it deserved a place of honor given he was betraying it for guitar.

Julian wandered down the hall with his clothes and a bar of soap, trying to remember where the chav said the laundry room was. Ground floor, just a couple turns down a winding concrete hallway, past the stairs that were roped off leading down to the basement. Peeling paint and smoke stains marred the wall, but it did hold a tarnished sign labeled ‘Laundrette’.

Julian paused outside the door. The voice of the man from earlier, Noel, filtered out from the laundry room.

“This is ridiculous, you know that?” He said, sounding unbothered.

“I fail to see anything ridiculous in this scenario.” A prim, deep yet nasally voice replied.

“As if you could be a plumber.” Noel laughed lightly. “You look like you’ve never touched a spanner in your life.”

“I admit, Nine would’ve fit the bill easier—“

“Nine what?”

“Doesn’t matter. The point is, I’m doing my job, why don’t you do yours.”

“My… oh, right.” Julian had no warning before the door was slamming open and Noel was staring at him, wide eyes made larger still by his eyeliner. “Oh, it’s just you.” He said as he visibly relaxed.

“Just me.” Julian agreed, unsure how to act given what he’d heard. They’d sounded like mates mucking about, but the words had been suspicious and set Julian on edge.

“Decided to move in after all.” Noel surmised with a slight smile.

“Er, yeah, but it’s only temporary.” Julian hastened to explain. “I’m establishing myself in a new genre.” Then, fearing that wasn’t clear enough, he added, “I’m a musician.”

“Wow, that’s really interesting!” Noel said, and there was a sparkle in his eyes that was genuine, or at least made Julian believe he wasn’t being facetious. “I love music! Rock, electro, glam, punk, life blood, nouveau-soul, tertiary…” He paused, then shook his head. “Anyway, what do you play?”

Julian only hesitated for a second. “Electric guitar.” His bassoon was no doubt rolling in its case. He couldn’t help it. The urge to impress, keep those attentive eyes on him, was overpowering.

“No way!” Noel laughed, bright and glittering from his very pores. “That sounds amazing!”

“Yeah. Got a gig tonight in fact.” Julian swallowed thickly, but pressed on as if the inquiry meant nothing to him. “Hen and Chicken? If you’d like to come?”

Noel was still smiling, but he reached up to tousle his hair in a gesture that read as uncertain. “I’ll try and make it, but, um, I’ve got a lot on at the moment.”

“Right, sure.” Julian shrugged, his courage sinking to his toes.

“Maybe if we wrap things up early.” Noel offered, but Julian had heard enough brush offs to recognize one.

The two stood rather awkwardly in the hall before Julian cleared his throat. “Well, I better…” He lifted his bag full of clothes weakly.

“Course, what am I doing, chattering away like this.” Noel spoke quickly, edging back to the door. He rapped a quick knock and called, “Doctor? Can Julian come in and do his clothes in the washer?”

“Yes, Julian may.” The other man, a doctor apparently, said from inside. Noel opened the door with a grand flourish. As they entered the modest launderette area, Julian got his first glimpse of this mystery figure.

He was a lanky man in a nutmeg brown wool suit, though his tie was an eccentric orange. Delicate features hid behind large square rim glasses, dark skin and even darker hair that curled out atop his head in a bush. The way he carried himself spoke of an intimidating intellect.

“Sorry to take up your time,” The man said in that distinctive gravelly voice, “I was—that is, we were just finishing some routine maintenance on the,” He waved a hand toward the old washer and dryer, “Machines there.”

Julian nodded even as his eyebrows drew together. “Sorry, are you a doctor or a…?”

“Plumber.” The man said, standing straight and pushing his glasses up his nose.

“Doctor of pipes, we call him.” Noel butted in. He strode past the other men to hop onto the dryer, kicking his heels lightly. “I’m the plucky assistant. I hand him spanners and screwdrivers and such.”

“It’s a taxing job.” The ‘Doctor of pipes’ said, looking at Noel with a mixture of fond exasperation. It made Julian feel out of place. “Noel and I actually have other plumbing based matters to attend to, so we best be off.” Noel made a humming noise but didn’t move yet.

“I told Julian I’d go see him play tonight if we get done here.” Noel told the man, then sent a grin directed at Julian that made his stomach twist. “Hen and Chicken, yeah?”

“Yeah, at 10.” He mumbled, moving to sort out his clothes.

“Hmm, we’ll see, but you never know how many late night house calls will crop up.” The man said as he moved to the door. “Water waits for no man.” Perhaps this was a subtle command to his ‘assistant’, because Noel finally hopped off the dryer and went with him to the door.

The sarcastic bastard in him decided he couldn’t let them leave without a parting shot. “Speaking of,” The man turned back to Julian with raised expectant brows, “You may want to look into the cold water pressure, it’s awfully low.” Julian was extremely gratified to see the man flounder.

“The—right. Well. I will have to check on the, er, tank. The tank on top. The tank with cold water.”

“Don’t think there is a tank up top.” Julian pointed out.

“That’s your problem right there.” Noel slipped in smoothly, putting a hand around the man’s elbow. “We’ll put a call into home office and get that sorted.” As Noel guided the man out the door, he looked back at Julian with that same sparkle, this time all mischief. “See ya around, Ju.”

When Julian was alone, he scoffed as he roughly threw his laundry in the machine. Plumbers. Hardly. No doubt they were a young couple looking for a place to fool around. He’d probably caught them in flagrante and Noel had been humoring him while his boyfriend tidied up.

What had he been thinking, asking Noel to come see him play? Besides the fact he wasn’t even headlining, there was a snowball’s chance in hell Noel would be interested in him enough to come. Julian was a shambolic, scruffy hobo, he wasn’t anyone’s type. Noel was vibrant and young and knew subgenres of music that Julian had never heard of. They were practically from different universes.

Ha, he didn’t need some kid with his hair on backwards to change his life. Julian would stick to his plan. Laundry, shower, meet Rich, play guitar, come back to his flat, sleep, and hopefully things would pick up from there. It had to.

* * *

   
What a titbox he was, Julian thought as he slumped against the back of his locked door. 

The gig had been fine, in so far as being relegated to the back could be. His pride had suffered but his music hadn’t. Still, the whole time he’d swept his gaze over the crowd, only to be disappointed by the lack of bowler hat or shaggy hair.

Noel hadn’t come. It had been a long shot with that overbearing boyfriend of his, but Julian honestly thought he’d been interested. In the gig, if not him personally.

Julian looked at his bed, where his bassoon lay like a beacon. He sighed and walked over to it. With loving hands he removed his old, well shined bassoon from its case. Softly he put his lips on the mouthpiece and began to play.

The music came naturally and calmed him immediately. Though he was not so calm that the shaking beneath his feet went unnoticed. At first he played on, assuming it was the rumble of the tube, but when the walls began to clack against the nightstand and his bed became a rocking cradle, Julian got a little apprehensive.

He only wrenched the bassoon from his mouth when someone barged into his flat.

“Are you mental!” Noel shouted as he ran into the room, turning back to the open door and brandishing a silver cylinder that looked like a pen light. “What even is that unholy noise!”

Julian gaped at him. “How—What—How did you get in here?”

“Keep playing, you nutter, they’re almost here!” Noel yelled at him, his giant blue eyes wild. Julian brought the bassoon back up and played falteringly as the walls shook harder and impossibly harder. Noel was bouncing on his heels, braced in front of Julian, attention fixed on the door.

The first one hopped inside, and Julian’s bassoon squawked out a wrong note. It was like a three foot high pterodactyl, if pterodactyls had five limbs and were a bit blurry around the edges, which made Julian’s brain blink and rub its eyes. He watched transfixed as it hobbled closer, letting out a high pitched screech, and soon two more were coming through the door. Noel clicked his pen light on, which let out a whirring sound. The creatures stopped moving forward, but hopped up and down screeching. They kept coming through the door. Soon there were nearly a dozen funky blurry pterodactyls in his bedroom.

“Bloody hell, they love that stick sound!” Noel remarked as he kept swinging that whirring pen light. Julian wanted to retort, but he was too petrified to stop playing. A mechanical whooshing filled the flat, and Julian whirled around to stare at the blue police call box fading into existence in his kitchenette.

The call box opened and the man, the pseudo-plumber, was beckoning to them both. “Julian, was it?” Julian nodded, mouth slack around his bassoon. “Keep working that bass and get in here.” He complied automatically, stumbling into the call box. “Do you know any Vivaldi?” The man asked as he passed, but Julian had stopped paying attention.

It was bigger on the inside.

The flipping box was bigger on the inside.

“Noel, get back, we can contain them in here.”

“Gotcha!” Noel ran into the box pursued by the creatures, and Julian backed up to the center of the expansive room. His back hit something, and he looked over to see a round console covered in buttons and switches and such. The man shut the call box doors and strode through the mass of flailing creatures to the console. Julian’s bassoon sputtered as the man covered the end with his hand.

“We’re done with that now, thanks.” The man said brusquely, circling around him to press things at random. “What are the odds we would find a bassoonist in the same complex as the nest of Horgirari? Actually I suppose I could calculate the odds if I take into account the average number of people versed in woodwind per square inch…”

“I thought you said guitar?” Noel said, ignoring the other man’s muttered ramblings. Julian stared at Noel before dropping his bassoon and curling up into a ball. “Hey, hey now, it’s alright, you’re okay…” Noel attempted to soothe him but Julian just shuffled over to the side of the railing.

“I’ve gone mad.” Julian said, muffled by his own hands as he blocked out his impossible surroundings. The whole structure, studded with blinking lights, seemed to thrum as the melodic sound from earlier returned. “I’ve finally lost touch with reality and now all that’s left is the slow decline into death.”

“Aw mate, cheer up.” Julian heard Noel slide down to sit beside him. A hand pat Julian’s shoulder, and his initial response of ‘Don’t touch me’ faded as he became relieved he could, at least, feel Noel. “This is real. I’m real, the Doctor’s real, the five-armed aliens are real… Alright, I can see why you’d be worried, but I promise it’s fine. We’ve got it under control now!”

Julian looked up and met Noel’s earnest gaze. He swallowed. “Where are we?”

“This is the Doctor’s ship.” Noel supplied eagerly. “Calls it a TARDIS. Stands for Time And, er… something Dimensions In Space.”

“A space ship?”

“Yeah! Sort of. It also does time travel. Isn’t that wicked?”

Julian thought he was about to hyperventilate.

“1 in 200,334!” The man, this Doctor, burst out in revelation. Both of them looked over, and the Doctor appeared to fold into himself. He coughed and mumbled, “If you were still curious, those were the odds. But I see you’re having a moment.” The thrumming and whooshing sound stopped suddenly, and the Doctor was herding the alien pterodactyls towards the door using his… what Julian was beginning to suspect was not a pen light. “We’ve landed on their home planet, Horgoloth VI, and you’ll want to see it.”

Noel clambered to his feet and then looked down at Julian and held out his hand. “You ready for your first alien planet, Ju?” He kept quiet and slowly blinked up at him. “It’s worth the headache. Promise.” Noel’s face seemed so kind with the pink high on his cheekbones and gentle encouraging smile. Julian accepted his hand and let himself be pulled to his feet. Noel didn’t let go of his hand and steered him to where the Doctor and the aliens had gone outside. “Tell me there’s anything like it back in London.” Noel dared as he threw open the door.

A yellow sky where an incredibly bright sun was low on the horizon hung above a forest of thick, stumpy aquamarine. It was teeming with primordial song, which the creatures they’d released added to with their own screeches. They scrambled off into the forest, some hopping into the trees, their animal pleasure obvious. A breeze picked up and tickled Julian nose with the smell of flora, and strangely something like cinnamon.

“Wow.” Julian breathed. He definitely wasn’t dreaming or going mad. There was no way his warped mind could conceive of something so beautiful. This was real, this was happening.

“Pretty cool, yeah?” Noel said warmly, squeezing his hand. He hadn’t realized they were still touching, it was so natural.

“The Horgirari are safe.” The Doctor strolled back to join them, and Julian thought of moving away from Noel, but Noel didn’t seem bothered. Admittedly he may have been wrong about their relationship, given he’d been wrong in his entire worldview. “I’m still not sure why they turned up in East London in the 21st century, but they should be okay now.” He looked properly at Julian for the first time, adjusting his glasses. “Sorry, things have been rather hectic and I haven’t gotten a chance to introduce myself. I’m the Doctor. You’ve met Noel, he’s my companion. Behind you is my TARDIS, she takes us wherever and whenever we need to be.”

“Right.” Julian said, void of expression. “And you’re… aliens, yeah?”

“He is, I’m not.” Noel explained. “I was born on Earth, same as you. London, actually.”

“True, except you were born 900 years after Julian here.” The Doctor said.

“Okay,” Julian broke in before they could continue bantering, “One alien and one human from the future. You… time travel and see other planets and all that. But what’s that got to do with me? Why’d you bring me into it?” Beside him, Noel bit his lip, his palm slightly sweaty in Julian’s hand.

“I’m afraid you were caught up in an unfortunate sequence of coincidences.” The Doctor told him. He straightened with his hands behind his back, looking like a professor. “You see, Noel and I were searching for the Horgirari nest and eventually found them corralled in your basement. Noel got them free of the fumigation tent while I went to fetch the TARDIS.”

“That must’ve been when you started playing that weird instrument.” Noel said, and Julian opened his mouth to retort but then gave up. “The little buggers all went mental, running through the corridors, trying to find you.”

The Doctor nodded. “The bassoon mimics the call of their mother. These young ones must’ve been without her for some time. Once you got them all riled up we had to bring you and your bassoon with us or they’d never have left.”

“But it was worth it, right?” Noel asked him, a little note of vulnerability to him. “You got to see this place, and the TARDIS, and… Well, you know the truth about everything now, don’t you? Other life and planets. Isn’t that good?”

Julian sighed, breathing in that strange air again. “This place _is_ incredible.”

The Doctor threw out one arm as he gestured to the forest. “It is! The lifeforms are subsentient but entirely peaceful to extraterrestrials, since you don’t secrete the same—“

“Does that mean we can have a picnic?” Noel interrupted eagerly. “I can whip up some sandwiches, find a blanket—oh! Maybe we have a guitar!” He looked at Julian with a sheepish sort of hope that could melt anyone’s heart. “Make up for missing your gig?”

“Yeah, why not?” Julian huffed to himself. “S’not like I can row myself back to Earth.”

“Kitchen’s probably three lefts and second right down the first corridor.” The Doctor told Noel. “Storeroom would be an additional corridor to the right and then third door on the left.”

“Got it!” Noel chirped, and dislodged himself from Julian to skip inside the unassuming call box.

“Won’t he get lost?” Julian asked.

“Oh definitely.” The Doctor replied idly. “But the TARDIS will sort him out, don’t worry.” The Doctor walked lazily away from him to sit primly on a nearby rock. He pat the space beside him invitingly. Julian hesitated. It was hard to reconcile that the nerdy looking man in the suit was an alien. In his mind Julian knew he must tread lightly.

As he settled next to him on the rock, the Doctor said, “I can take you home whenever you like. You can be back in your bedroom only moments after you left.” Then he smiled at him and added, “You don’t have to indulge my companion forever, but you’re welcome to.”

Julian hid his sudden blush with a cough. “When you say companion…?”

“We’re not romantically involved, if that’s your insinuation. I’ve, er,” The Doctor may have been blushing as well, though his skin tone masked it better, “I’ve found romantic entanglements don’t go very well for me. Thankfully this,” He gestured up and down his own body, “Is sufficiently introverted that romance and sex are not my current priority.”

“Why take him on then?” Julian asked curiously, then realized he may have caused offense. “Not that he isn’t lovely, I was—you said you were an introvert. I get that, I’m that way as well. Noel seems about as far from introverted as you can be without coming full circle.”

“That’s precisely it, isn’t it? Noel sees the entire world with this magical wonderment, and I’ve been around long enough to be cynical. Together we both see things differently.” Julian nodded, satisfied by that. He could understand the allure Noel had, his energy and wide-eyed eagerness. Julian was drawn to him, he couldn’t deny that. It was a bit of a relief to hear that the two weren’t involved that way.

“He’s really from the future?” Julian couldn’t help asking.

The Doctor frowned, a dark pall falling over his features. “I found him in what used to be London, the year 2873. The Earth was overpopulated and polluted, and the government was preparing to send most of its citizens off to colonies. I was there tracking a murderer, and Noel was nearly one of the victims. I invited him with me.” The Doctor sighed deeply. “It wasn’t safe for him there. In another couple years solar flares from your sun would necessitate a mass migration. People with serviceable skills or high ranking would escape first. Noel’s main skills lie in perfecting his appearance and generating humorous quips. He would have died on Earth.”

Julian was quiet for a moment. “You’re a good man,” He said finally, “For saving him.”

“There’s several billion I didn’t. Don’t go declaring me a good man just yet.”

They sat together in silence, their grim subject slowly dissipating in the humid air. “This is what you do, then?” Julian persisted. “You and Noel galavant around the galaxy having picnics?”

“Hardly. This is a rare moment. Usually we’re running for our lives.” He said it so nonchalantly as he turned to meet Julian’s gaze. The expression on the Doctor’s face was completely void of emotion. It was intimidating. “Are you interested in that sort of thing? Danger? Intrigue? Adventure?”

“I play music.” Julian answered him, bewildered. “And not well if you believe the reviewers.”

“That’s what you do now, what do you _want_?”

“Are you trying to save me the way you saved him?” Julian countered. “The world isn’t about to end, is it?”

“No, not for you. I only ask because…” The Doctor chuckled to himself and shook his head. “Let’s put it this way. We came to your time because Noel wanted to meet this band Kasabian he’d heard about. I like to indulge him when I can. We got caught up in tracking the Horgirari, but we were still planning on going to their show. The only odd thing was, as soon as Noel ran into you, he stopped talking about Kasabian.” Julian stared at him, his mind buzzing as he tried and failed to respond.

“You’ll never believe what happened to me in the TARDIS!” Noel’s exuberant shout carried over to them. Both turned with expressions of varying curiosity and affection. He lay out a perfect checkered picnic blanket with a flourish and set a plate of sandwiches on it. As he launched into an impossible story, Julian and the Doctor joined him on the ground. Julian picked up the guitar Noel had brought and absently began tuning it.

Hours must’ve passed, it was hard to tell with the sluggish sun and the company. The Doctor and Noel bantered back and forth with the ease of familiarity. Julian was content to hear them talk, and joined in when prompted. Noel was a barrage of questions about the most mundane aspects of his life, and Julian started lying smoothly just to make the Doctor fight a smile.

“No way!” Noel threw back his head on a laugh. “How did it end?”

“I was in the 11th Binmen Battalion,” Julian told him, catching the Doctor’s hastily covered smirk, “And we led a final assault on the urban foxes’ lair. We suffered some injuries but managed to take many of the foxes alive. I think a couple were even rehabilitated and sent off to zoos.”

“That’s amazing!” Noel sent the Doctor a sharp look. “How come you never told me any of this, it’s well interesting history.”

“If I kept track of every skirmish in the universe, my head would explode.” The Doctor drawled. “Now Noel, we’ve been here a while,” He swept his hand over the crumb covered plate, “Shouldn’t we be moving on?”

“No!” Noel sent Julian a furtive look. “Ju hasn’t played a proper song yet.”

“If you’re waiting for ‘proper’ music, it’ll be a long wait.” Julian said, but dutifully strummed the guitar. He didn’t have many sets that’d work for acoustic guitar, so he started to improvise. They weren’t the most imaginative chords, but the pace was decent. Noel started to sway in place, wearing a serene expression.

 

 

“That’s quite nice, Julian.” The Doctor said with some surprise. “Folksy. It conjures to mind an etherial woodland creature.”

“Yeah…” Noel agreed, nodding and closing his eyes. “ _Are we to be… married… on the morrow, my child, or will I always be this way…_ ” He sang a mournful tune, his voice deeper than his gentle features would suggest. It was mesmerizing to watch him improvise, but the playful mercurial streak in him gave Julian an idea.

With a key change and increased tempo, Julian took over. “ _Can I ever love, will I ever touch, can I ever see, can I ever dream, will I ever be, can I ever find. What. I. Need!_ ”

“ _I can't see! I can't breathe!_ ” Noel jumped back in, perfectly on time, a glint in his eye as he looked at Julian, as though this was some great game between them. “ _I'm spiraling down in infinity! Oh, look what you did, you came into my wood, with your tiny little eyes and your hair made of wool…_ ”

“I feel as though I need a tambourine.” The Doctor remarked, and Julian grinned at him as Noel carried on. They both watched the younger man keep up with the song in increasingly ludicrous lyrics. He put his whole body into the song, long graceful movements and sharp tosses of his head.

Finally when Julian felt them both coming to a close, he brought the tempo back down and they both sang, “ _Are we to be… married… on the morrow, my child…_ ”

“Beautiful.” The Doctor told them, and even though his tone was as dry as ever, Julian thought his expression was soft.

“It was, wasn’t it?” Noel said, gaze on Julian. All of a sudden Julian was blistering under their admiration.

Squirming and keeping his face downturned to his guitar, he said, “I ought to get some shut eye. Mind swinging by Earth before you pop off to Alpha Centauri or wherever?”

Everything, even the surrounding jungle, seemed to grind to a halt. “You… you don’t want to come with us?” Noel asked in a quavering voice.

“I…” Even after the Doctor’s talk, he hadn’t realized the offer was serious. Julian cleared his throat. “You realize you’re asking me to leave my _planet_ , right? It’s not as if I have any frame of reference. Time travel, aliens, I don’t know how to deal with any of that. I’d be useless, honestly.”

“That’s not true!” 

“Noel,” Julian said patiently, “Do you think every alien we meet would be soothed by my bassoon?” Noel’s shoulders slumped, and Julian caught the Doctor’s frown. “Look, I appreciate it, I do, but I’d rather stay where I’m not running for my life constantly.”

“I s’pose that’s fair enough.” The Doctor said, patting Noel on the back. “Come on, let’s get going.” Noel got to his feet, tottering on his heels, and went inside without another word. Julian watched him go, feeling wretched. “Don’t worry,” The Doctor murmured to him, “He’ll have a good sulk and I’ll take him to a pleasure planet to cheer him up.”

“Those exist?”

“If the answer was yes, would it change your mind?”

“Not really.”

“Well they do, so there.” The Doctor strode off to the TARDIS, and Julian glanced down at the abandoned picnic ware. He sighed and picked it all up, grumbling to himself as he followed them. The Doctor was by the console, tweaking a dial and then hitting something else with a mallet. Noel loitered by the ramp, and when he saw Julian he gave a wan smile.

“You lot use mobile phones, yeah?” Noel asked him.

Julian set everything down and shrugged. “When we’re out of lumber for our smoke signals.”

“Give it here.” Julian dug in his pockets and handed it over, quietly curious. Noel typed deftly and gave it back, and Julian saw a new contact entered: _Noel X_. “It’ll reach me anywhere, no matter when I am, in real time. Or, well, what’s _real_ time? But the time passing for you will be the same time passing for me, even if I’m skipping forwards or ahead through time. Does that make sense?”

“Not in the slightest.” Julian replied. “But thanks.”

“Let me know, um,” Noel paused, his gaze lowering, peeking beneath his lashes, “If you land another cool gig.”

“Sure.” Julian said, but his mouth was dry and his eyes shifted away. He knew he wouldn’t call. Noel was hopping across the stars in an impossible box, Julian wasn’t about to drag him back down to Earth, _his_ Earth, certainly not to witness Julian stutter out a mediocre performance. The way Noel’s face drew blank, Julian thought Noel expected as much.

“We’re back.” The Doctor announced, and Julian jumped. He hadn’t even noticed them take off.

When Julian opened the police box doors, it was indeed his flat. Looking at it from the TARDIS, it seemed even more pathetic. Tiny, barren, less colorful, and it was all Julian had.

“So marks the parting of the ways.” Julian muttered to himself as he turned and affixed a smile to his face. “Today was… enlightening. Thank you, Doctor.” The man, alien, _whatever_ , nodded cordially back at him. With more trepidation, Julian held out his hand for Noel to shake. “I’m glad to have met you both.” Julian said, gaze locked on Noel.

Noel didn’t move, long enough for Julian to grow worried, and then accepted his handshake with the softest touch possible. “Same, mate.”

Before the moment could grow stale, Julian walked out and closed the doors behind him. He couldn’t make himself turn around just yet to face his dismal, boring, normal life, so he let his hand, still tingling from Noel’s touch, rest on the TARDis exterior. He breathed in and out, basking in this impossible dream, until the engine whirring forced him to back up, lest he phase right through the departing ship and brain himself on the floor.

In the space of a blink, the TARDIS, the Doctor, and Noel were gone, as if they’d never existed to cross paths with Julian’s sad little life.

The realization came to him hours later, sometime between fitful half-sleeps: he’d left his bassoon in a space ship.

* * *

  
When Julian woke up in the morning, the world was still turning, clouds still hung low over London, gulls still screeched and pigeons were still shooed away by cranky old geezers. Julian stared at his uneven plaster ceiling and didn’t move for nearly an hour.

Eventually he peeled himself off the mattress, set about doing normal human things: brushing his teeth, showering, getting dressed. There was no food in the refrigerator, so he wandered outside. He could afford a coffee from a street vendor, which was almost like breakfast. There was a grey squirrel staring at him, and Julian felt distinctly judged.

Maybe he could take up busking, at least during the day, and play gigs at night. Then Julian thought how utterly bizarre it was to worry about money with the whole expansive universe out there teeming with life and possibility.

Shit. Getting back to normal was going to be hard.

He rang up Lee, but his former flatmate didn’t say anything out of the ordinary. Yes, he was still sorry about kicking Julian out, but he had given him four months to shape up, after all. He was currently in search of a new flatmate, one who was gainfully employed. Picked up some gigs, eh? Great, really, but it wasn’t enough. Sorry, mate, best of luck…

Julian swung by Rich’s place to collect his split for the night before. Rich chatted his ear off, and Julian didn’t have his usual energy to stop him. Maybe the American sensed something off, because he defaulted to the standard method of cheering someone up. Julian roused as a cup of tea was thrust under his nose.

“You seem a little down, buddy.” Rich said, voice full of sympathy. Julian hummed noncommittally as he sipped the tea. It was merely alright. “Wanna tell ol’ Richie all about it?”

Strangely enough, the introvert had a burning on his tongue to say everything.

_I met someone I clicked with, well I suppose it was two someones: a beautiful man from hundreds of years in the future, with charming wit and big doe eyes, and an alien in a suit and specs, of untold depth and wild hair. These little aliens, different from the spaceman, burst into my flat because they liked my music. I saw the laws of physics bent inside a police call box, and a planet with turquoise trees and cinnamon wind. I think I fell in love a little bit. I’m a changed man since you saw me yesterday…_

“S’ just the usual.” Julian muttered in response to Rich.

He couldn’t ever say a word. It would be mad. They’d lock him up, and be quite right to. Julian might be the only human aware of aliens coming to Earth, and they’d left without a trace.

All he had was a number on his mobile.

As Julian trudged back to the block, the check burning in his pocket, he thumbed through his mobile to stare at the contact info Noel had left. It was a number, just like any other. It was hard to believe that the person on the other end might be at any point in time and space.

He wasn’t going to call. It had only been a couple hours. Julian was going to live his life, damn it, one without a constant fear of death. He’d meet someone, have children, make a decent living one way or another, _normal human things_.

Julian walked in the building, past the empty reception desk, and rubbed his temples as he climbed the stairs. His footfall echoed through empty halls. He’d met them down one of those halls, in a little nook, arms full of dirty laundry…

This was getting ridiculous. Surely he could write the whole thing off as a bad dream and forget about it. Except there had been nothing bad about it. Alright, the little pterodactyls were a bit frightening at first, but Noel had been there to fend them off, and the Doctor showed up to capture them within minutes. He couldn’t say now whether he’d been in any real danger at all. The Doctor said they spent most of their time running for their lives, but Julian reckoned as long as you could trust the people you were running with, you’d likely come out alright.

And he did, Julian realized as he reached his flat. After one madcap afternoon, Julian would trust Noel and the Doctor with his life. The Doctor because he seemed wise and experienced, and Noel because he was selfless, guileless.

Fuck. He was going to call.

His fingers touched the mobile in his pocket at the exact moment he turned the lock and everything went black.

* * *

  
“I fink he’s waking up.” The voice tickled Julian’s stirring consciousness. 

“Human brains are so fragile, aren’t they? One little whirl in the transporter and they’re out like a light. And to think they’re the majority on this planet now.”

A hard kick to his hip had him jolting awake. “Oi, human man. Geddup.” Julian staggered into a crouching position, staring up at the two people above him. The young chav from the reception desk had his usual glazed expression, and a matronly woman with a beehive was wrinkling her nose at him, as if Julian was muck on her stately shoe.

A wild glance around to assess his surroundings, Julian couldn’t see past an opaque plastic tent that enclosed the three. Fumigation tent. They were in the basement. Where the alien nest had been. ‘Human man’, they’d called him. Shit.

“Who are you?” He asked, a tremor in his voice he’d like to say was put on. “What do you want?”

“We’re scouts.” The woman said, and Julian recognized her. She’d been the brusque lady on the phone who’d arranged to let him see the flats. Her chest inflated with importance. “Scouts of the mighty Axlco race.”

“Fuck me.” Julian muttered. Aliens. He’d gotten a flat from a bunch of aliens.

“Nah, mate,” The, apparently, alien chav said, “We ain’t gonna fuck you, we gon eat you.”

“Why? Why me?” There was a tear in the tent a couple meters to his right. It either lead to the stairs or deeper into their lair. He somehow doubted he’d be able to make it without help.

“Because you’re the one who stole our food supply!” The woman shouted. “We know you lured the Horgirari into your flat and teleported them away. Why you were foolish enough to hang around, well, I chock that up to human intelligence.”

“You two eat, er, Horgari?” Julian asked, quietly slipping his hand into his pocket. The mobile was still there, and he restrained a sigh of relief.

“See, da ting is,” The chav said, settling into a story in a very laid-back manner, “We Axlco really dig on da Horgirari, but some galactic ordinances or waterer say we can’t keep poaching from Horgoloth VI no more. So, Axlco gov’ment found out dis planet, Earth yeah, has these tings sorta like Horgirari, but wif feathers instead of da fine layer of quantum particles dat give it dat grainy edge.”

“Pterodactyls.” Julian groaned. His fingers were closed around the mobile, but he didn’t dare pull it out. Let’s see… He only had about a dozen numbers.

“Only we were not informed that they had died out millions of years ago.” The woman huffed. One button to get to the contact list… “Anyway, this whole trip has been a waste. The ship’s picking us up in a couple days, but without our last stores of food we’re going to have to settle for slaughtering the humans who bought into the ‘affordable housing’ scam.”

“I thought you only ate Horgisomethings!” Julian cried, sweating now. N, that would be right under Lee, seven down…

“Dey taste best, but we ain’t tried humans yet.” The chav shrugged. “If we like you, maybe we poach you lot instead.”

Got it! Julian pressed the call button and tried not to grin. It rang, quietly buzzing in his hand.

“Any last words, human, before we shed these skins and rip you to pieces?” The woman asked, rubbing her hands together briskly.

Julian opened his mouth to release some witty barb, but a tinny, far too loud voice interrupted him. “Ju? Julian is that you, honey? Sweetie, are you there?” The aliens’ gazes bore into Julian’s pocket, and he bit his lip. Mum. Undershot it.

“Couldn’t be that lucky, eh?” He remarked to the aliens before springing up and sprinting towards the tent opening. Stairs, thank Christ. Behind him he could hear ungodly shrieks and he ran faster, taking the steps two at a time. All hesitation gone, he pulled out his mobile.

“Sorry, Mum.” He wheezed out, and hung up on her. Eight clicks down, he hit call, and…

“Julian?” Noel’s gentle accent came out in surprise. “I didn’t expect—“

“Aliens!” Julian yelled, glancing over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of a pink tentacle. “Basement! They’re coming for me!”

“What? The Horgirari?” Noel asked, not sounding concerned enough for the situation.

“No!” He burst through the tape at the top of the stairs, emerging into a two way corridor. Randomly, he turned left. “The aliens that eat the Hors—them! And now they’re trying to eat me!” Another two way choice, fuck, the place was a labyrinth.

Noel’s voice was muffled until he returned with a far more worried tone. “The Doctor says to get to the laundry room. We’re on our way.”

The laundry room. He was on the ground floor, but how in the hell could he find it? The sick sound of slapping tentacles was growing louder. His heart was pounding in his brain. He really should’ve exercised more. Another turn and he almost cried. He knew that peeling paint and cigarette stain on the wall.

Something clamped tight around his ankle, and Julian sprawled to the floor. Frantically he scratched at smooth tile that did nothing to help. A shriek rang directly above him, and Julian shut his eyes.

“Don’t kill me, I’ve got so much to give!”

“Oh, get off him already.” The calmly delivered order came from a little ways away, and Julian looked down the corridor to see the Doctor standing tall and confident. The monster did not remove its tentacle, but gurgled at the intruder. “You’re in enough trouble as it is,” The Doctor told it while nonchalantly striding forward.

A bubbling squawk.

“I’m aware of the Axlco’s interference with the Horgirari, despite their protected status under galactic law. Rest assured, I will be informing the proper authorities.”

A wet, threatening growl.

The Doctor grinned, a mad, wicked grin. “Count on it.”

A call of, “Doctor?” followed by the clicking of heels heralded Noel’s arrival from the other end of the corridor. He saw Julian still clutched in the monster’s hold. “Good, you’ve found the other one.” Sure enough, the second pink tentacled monster barreled around the corner. It paused when it took in the tableaux.

“Now that we’re all here, I can deliver my speech.” The Doctor said, and as he cleared his throat he captured all their attention. It was as if a transformation had taken place, and the witty, specky, cool and collected man disappeared. In his place was a hard man, a fierceness behind his eyes. He didn’t need to clench his fists, or even move a muscle, the power radiated off him in waves. The tentacle around Julian’s ankle released and inched away. Julian couldn’t budge or tear his gaze off this stranger down the corridor.

“Earth is under my protection.” He didn’t raise his voice, and yet it was booming. “Always and throughout time. I’m not galactic law, I’m something much worse. Humans are _mine_.”

A chill ran through Julian’s flesh. The second monster gave a wary howl.

“Who am I?” The return of the mad grin, but under those eyes the effect was sinister. “I go by many names: The Traveller from Beyond Time, The Oncoming Storm, and my personal favorite… The Doctor.” 

The effect was instantaneous. The tentacled monsters quivered in unmistakeable fear. They shrunk back from Julian and Noel and clumped together in a writhing mass. Shaking, Julian supported himself with the wall as he got to his feet. The Doctor simmered in satisfaction.

“You’ve heard of me. That’ll make this easier.” The Doctor stepped forward, stalking his prey. “You’re going to leave immediately. You’ll teleport to the nearest sustainable planet to be picked up, and when you report to your commanders you will tell them there is nothing of use here. If the Axlco ever attempt to make contact with humans again, I will know, and we shall have _words_.” He raised his arm, pointing out in an arbitrary direction. “Get the flipping hell off this planet.”

Without uttering a single squeak, the aliens slunk away down the corridor back to the basement, and even though Julian felt like he should relax, he kept his attention on the Doctor, who was still a coiled spring. Noel moved close to the Doctor and touched him on his shoulder.

“Wait.” The Doctor said, cocking his head as if listening. In a flash he pulled out the…

“Sonic screwdriver.” Noel said to Julian as the thing lit up and buzzed. “For all your sonic needs, and the occasional DIY.” Locking eyes with Noel, his heart rate finally slowed. Sharing a joke with Noel brought normalcy back in the wake of narrowly avoided tentacle murder.

“They’re gone.” The Doctor announced, clicking the sonic screwdriver off. He took in Julian’s shakes, and the deadly man melted into the awkward fellow from before. “Sorry about that, Julian, truly. That was, as they say, my bad. I’d assumed the Horgirari had slipped through a nearby wormhole, and we were in a hurry so I neglected to check for other causes.”

“I told you Axl Co seemed like a shady operation.” Noel said. “In typical boy who cried wolf fashion, you didn’t believe me.”

“Then apologies to you both.” The Doctor said, sounding progressively huffier. “Might I suggest we move this soiree to the TARDIS so I can run some tests. They may not be the only Axlco scouts around.” He turned and walked briskly off down the corridor, but Noel lingered, shooting Julian hard to catch glances.

“You don’t have to come.” Noel told him.

“No, I…” But Julian’s throat closed around the words. Instead he just moved past him to follow the Doctor. The TARDIS was parked, if that was the right word, directly outside the laundry room, open and exposing its mind boggling inside. He hesitated a moment on the threshold before stepping in to join the Doctor by the console. Among the blinking lights and bits and bobs, the Doctor was bent over peering at a screen.

“Checking that the Axlco are really in the adjacent star system.” The Doctor muttered in explanation. He kept his attention on his instruments, but he spoke lowly to Julian as Noel ambled into the TARDIS. “Coincidentally, you’ve had a day to mull it over. Having any second thoughts?” Julian breathed out heavily and opened his mouth to reply, but the Doctor whirled around the console away from him and said, louder, “I’m not really the one to convince around here.”

Julian wet his lips nervously. “Convince?” Noel repeated, a tentative note that tugged on his heartstrings. He faced Noel, who was stood on the ramp a little ways away. Properly seeing him now, Julian was amazed at the transformation the man could affect with his attire. He seemed smaller in a jumper, albeit quite a fashionable one, and approachable in grey denim trousers.

Julian stepped toward him, feeling that electric sensation of nerves he could now associate firmly with Noel. “I, er… That is…” Ideas of big speeches or declarations, expression of emotion and desire, they all fell by the wayside in his inability to stutter them out. Noel was picking at his jumper like a child would when shy, waiting for him to get to the point.

“2005’s a bit rubbish.” Julian eventually blurted out. Noel squinted at him, and he went on, “Earth must be rubbish too if we go out and colonize space. I’m homeless, _again_ , and I can’t see anyone on this planet liking my music as much as the… _Hor_ - _gir_ - _ari_ did.” A smile was forming on Noel’s face, like rays of sunlight through fog. Julian kept on his rambling and frenetic hand gestures, emboldened, “So I thought, maybe it’s time I considered a change in career. Not as keen on monster-fighting, but adventuring, I reckon I could manage that.”

Noel was full on beaming now, and he tilted to the side to call behind Julian. “Doctor, can we?”

A theatrical sigh sounded from the alien. “Let me just check one last thing.” He rounded the console and hit a couple doodads. “Yes, according to this Julian Barratt is a phenomenal unknown, with no lineage whatever, leaving very little impression outside of close relations and dying alone at 53 only to be found by his landlady after four days of decay.”

“Why in bloody hell would you tell me all that?” Julian demanded, sagging against the nearest rail.

“Because it means you’re perfect to displace from the timeline.” The Doctor said smugly. “I once took a young dadaist—or was he a surrealist?—in the TARDIS for a jaunt, he got a bit overwhelmed and refused to go back, and I ended up altering history.” He considered for a moment and then corrected himself. “Not that I don’t make a point of altering history on a regular basis, that was rather a stupid way to go about it is all.”

“He means,” Noel said, patient, “That Julian doesn’t exist anymore, ‘cause we’re taking you with us, and now you’re a new Julian.”

“How you make sense of the world, I will never know.” Julian grumbled, but he could hear the embarrassing amount of affection seeping through. The Doctor scratched awkwardly at his wild afro, but kept quiet, waiting for the matter to be settled.

“So…” Noel began, his eyes wide with wonder, even after having seen new solar systems and stars. It wasn’t right that he should look at Julian that way, but Julian was beyond pretending that he wasn’t in awe of the younger man right back. “Does this mean you’ll come with us? Because I must warn you, if you do, you can never leave.”

Julian understood. It wasn’t anything to do with the TARDIS, or space travel, or the Doctor, or the very real peril that lurked in the vast unknown. This was Noel, asking him to stay, asking him not to leave again, asking for permission to trust.

“That’s fine,” Julian shrugged, meaning everything in return, “I haven’t got much on.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm thinking I may expand this universe with a series of drabbles or one-shots (probably less than 1000 words each) showing their adventures and how Noel and Julian's relationship progresses. If you have any requests, leave me a comment.


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